Retroactive Climate Change is Real and Dangerous, Scientists Confirm

In an explosive and ominous paper, researchers have now confirmed what every science-affirmer feared – climate change is even worse than previously thought. The peer-reviewed study, set to be published in the preeminent journal Scientific Consensus, confirms not only that anthropocentric climate change is a present threat; it’s also an existential threat to previous ages of Earth’s history.

“Please understand. We’re not saying Earth’s past merely had climate change too,” lead researcher John Jacob Schmidt clarified, “We’re saying the climate change destroying nature today is also destroying the climate in the past. The climate change they dealt with was caused by us, retroactively. From hurricanes and floods, to earthquakes and volcanoes … all were caused by the excess carbon we’re creating now. It’s a discovery that should unite us all to fight this monster we’ve unleashed.”

Climate Chaos in E Major, by Jacques Pierre Artinzimos. This exquisite painting was commissioned by the authors to serve as an artistic representation of the chaos climate change is causing to literally everything that exists, and has ever existed.

There has been some dissent, though the voices have been few. Most notable is theoretical physicist Carl M. Karletonville, who called the paper “horrid drivel.” Acknowledging the pushback, co-author Jared Jingleheimer spoke directly: “The anti-science crowd is already objecting, ‘logic’ this, and ‘paradox’ that. Look, science has spoken. Consensus is truth, and truth is consensus. Our findings are not hard to understand. The carbon we’re putting into the atmosphere today is retroactively affecting the climates of the past, which in turn is now impacting our own climate. It’s a vicious cycle, and all due to our selfish consumption of fossil fuels and meat. We are quite literally destroying our past.”

For Schmidt, it’s personal. His grandfather died tragically in 1937, swept away in historic floods that caused extensive damage throughout the Ohio Valley. “To think that my actions today, this Humvee I’ve been driving around for 13 years for instance, directly contributed to my own grandfather’s death … It’s quite sobering. When will we wake up?”

Both activists and governmental leaders were quick to comment. Climate activist Greta Thunberg tweeted out:

“What have you done? Shame, shame on you all! You have caused the history books to be filled with pain and suffering. You destroyed my future, and you’ve ruined our ancestors past futures. You did this!”

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Congressperson Alexandrian Ocasio-Cortez offer up this zinger:

“I always knew this to be true. Now it’s confirmed. We cannot allow racist, speciesist, planet-haters to govern us any longer. Now is the time to act.”

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In an op-ed printed in the Washington Post, Bernie Sanders didn’t mince words: “If we don’t stop climate emissions today, we will not only be under water ourselves in very short order, but so will our ancestors. History isn’t fixed like the Right naively thought. But it can be if we get our act together and eliminate CO2!”

World-renowned billionaire philanthropist, and all around knowledgeable good guy Bill Gates has already committed to donating part of his fortune to a new taskforce set to tackle this pressing emergency. Named the “Reduction of Climate Incursions on Past Eras Now Committee” the group will work to educate the public about the dangers of our CO2 footprint on our precious and fragile history.

Gates remains hopeful. “Present, future, past. They’re intertwined. It’s the quantum reality we live in. Through education, through policy, through vaccines, we can all work together to make this world a better place. It’s not an ‘if’ anymore, it’s a ‘must.’ Our children and our ancestors hang in the balance. That’s how important this is.”

Note: Yes, this is satire. At least for now it is. It’s hard to tell these days.